I spend way too much time on facebook and my quest for information and games and photos and, and, and........!
Bejeweled should be outlawed for it's addiction level alone!
I've found numerous ex-boyfriends and crushes on there. I always make sure my husband knows everything is on the up and up. We've had too many friend's marriages break up for infidelity.
Prying my self off the computer to go sleep and maybe actually work tomorrow! It's my last work day for the rest of the summer since my surgery is next Wednesday. Not looking forward to that but trying to keep myself occupied with more fun things!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
What I want my legacy to be
Well, it's official. I have surgery in 3 weeks. I know thyroid cancer is the most treatable/best survival rate and all those things that should comfort me. It's still a little scary to hear the word Cancer.
It's making me really think. Think about all the times my kids have been home and I'm just on the computer playing some stupid game or checking the prices of something I'm sure I don't need. Those times that I've sequestered myself into my bedroom to watch whateve I have TIVO'd. Is this really how I want my kids to remember me? The mom who when she had an audience did all kinds of things (PTO, PTA, etc, etc) but when she got home she just checked out. Then I think, well I'm just stressing myself out and expecting constant perfection from myself. I need to use this moment to think, to figure out what I want my legacy to be.
I'm not done on this earth, so I know that I'm going to be just fine. This surgery is going to go well and I'll be able to figure out the rest of my life.
It's making me really think. Think about all the times my kids have been home and I'm just on the computer playing some stupid game or checking the prices of something I'm sure I don't need. Those times that I've sequestered myself into my bedroom to watch whateve I have TIVO'd. Is this really how I want my kids to remember me? The mom who when she had an audience did all kinds of things (PTO, PTA, etc, etc) but when she got home she just checked out. Then I think, well I'm just stressing myself out and expecting constant perfection from myself. I need to use this moment to think, to figure out what I want my legacy to be.
I'm not done on this earth, so I know that I'm going to be just fine. This surgery is going to go well and I'll be able to figure out the rest of my life.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Cancer
I haven't posted for awhile. I had surgery towards the end of April. I had a thyroid disease that caused my thyroid to become enlarged. It went on for awhile, thanks to a lovely HMO that requires a referral for specialists. Finally, I got a good doctor that referred me to an Endocrinologist. Within a short time she referred me to a surgeon and thanks to that surgeon most of my thyroid was removed and I could breath again! (It had gotten so big that it pushed on my windpipe whenever I laid down.) I had been told that cancer was possible but not likely. A week after my surgery, I got a call from my surgeon about the pathology report. It was cancer but he felt that they got it all.
The last 2 months I've been healing. The surgery wore me out a bit but little by little I've been feeling better and stronger. I made plans with a friend to work on losing weight together.
My endocrinologist thought that just in case, she would have me go to a specialist and have an ultrasound. After waiting an extra 45 minutes in the waiting room, I get called in by a tech. I ask her if I will know the outcome by the end of the appointment. She said it depends but most likely I won't be seeing the Radiologist today. I lay back on the table, she applies the ultrasound gel and begins my procedure. I follow her instructions turning, tilting my head as I'm told. She seems to be spending quite a lot of time on the right side. She lets me know I'm done and then says that the Radiologist will be in to do an additional scan.
What? Didn't she say that I wouldn't likely be seeing him? The Radiologist comes in to do my scan. He is a dry, not so personable man. I explain my previous procedure and outcome. He corrects my technicalities when they aren't perfect. He asks me if I would like to know the outcome then or wait to hear it from my Endocrinologist. Hello! I can barely wait for Christmas presents, I let him know I would like to be told right away. He begins my scan, checking all areas but concentrating on my right side again. Right above my clavicle. He tells me in an exceptionally unemotional voice that he has found abnormalities in my lymph nodes. Crap! Is the first thing that comes to mind. Shit! What is going to happen now? A couple tears are streaming down my cheek, I'm trying to control it but can't. My scan is done and I'm wiping the gel from my neck and chest. He's explaining what comes next and I know I asked questions but it was so much to take in. I didn't bring anything to write on, I didn't think this was going to be anything. My friend offered to go but again I didn't think it was going to be anything.
I'm in a daze as I walk out of the building. I'm trying to remember where I parked I knew that I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm behind a bus stop area and call my husband. I'm explaining through my uncontrollable tears what happened and what will happen next. All I can think is that I want him home not in another state, not 4 hours away. Here with me, holding me, letting me fall apart.
Wait, it's me. I'm not suppose to fall apart. I'm the mom, the rock of the family. I have to pull it together. Whether or not I need additional surgery, whether or not I still have cancer my family is out of milk and I need to go to Costco. I call my mom and calmly tell her. She is babysitting the kids, I have my oldest text a grocery list.
On my way there, I remember that my dad is in town today. He had wanted to go out to lunch after my appointment. I didn't commit because I didn't know how long the appointment would take. I let him know that I'm on my way to Costco and will call him when I'm done to see if we are anywhere near each other. I wander my way through Costco, thinking off and on. After paying, somehow my dad found me. How does he always know?
The rest of the day goes on as normal, informing a few friends. Talking to my endocrinologist. Made an appointment with a surgeon. I'll know more then.
The last 2 months I've been healing. The surgery wore me out a bit but little by little I've been feeling better and stronger. I made plans with a friend to work on losing weight together.
My endocrinologist thought that just in case, she would have me go to a specialist and have an ultrasound. After waiting an extra 45 minutes in the waiting room, I get called in by a tech. I ask her if I will know the outcome by the end of the appointment. She said it depends but most likely I won't be seeing the Radiologist today. I lay back on the table, she applies the ultrasound gel and begins my procedure. I follow her instructions turning, tilting my head as I'm told. She seems to be spending quite a lot of time on the right side. She lets me know I'm done and then says that the Radiologist will be in to do an additional scan.
What? Didn't she say that I wouldn't likely be seeing him? The Radiologist comes in to do my scan. He is a dry, not so personable man. I explain my previous procedure and outcome. He corrects my technicalities when they aren't perfect. He asks me if I would like to know the outcome then or wait to hear it from my Endocrinologist. Hello! I can barely wait for Christmas presents, I let him know I would like to be told right away. He begins my scan, checking all areas but concentrating on my right side again. Right above my clavicle. He tells me in an exceptionally unemotional voice that he has found abnormalities in my lymph nodes. Crap! Is the first thing that comes to mind. Shit! What is going to happen now? A couple tears are streaming down my cheek, I'm trying to control it but can't. My scan is done and I'm wiping the gel from my neck and chest. He's explaining what comes next and I know I asked questions but it was so much to take in. I didn't bring anything to write on, I didn't think this was going to be anything. My friend offered to go but again I didn't think it was going to be anything.
I'm in a daze as I walk out of the building. I'm trying to remember where I parked I knew that I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm behind a bus stop area and call my husband. I'm explaining through my uncontrollable tears what happened and what will happen next. All I can think is that I want him home not in another state, not 4 hours away. Here with me, holding me, letting me fall apart.
Wait, it's me. I'm not suppose to fall apart. I'm the mom, the rock of the family. I have to pull it together. Whether or not I need additional surgery, whether or not I still have cancer my family is out of milk and I need to go to Costco. I call my mom and calmly tell her. She is babysitting the kids, I have my oldest text a grocery list.
On my way there, I remember that my dad is in town today. He had wanted to go out to lunch after my appointment. I didn't commit because I didn't know how long the appointment would take. I let him know that I'm on my way to Costco and will call him when I'm done to see if we are anywhere near each other. I wander my way through Costco, thinking off and on. After paying, somehow my dad found me. How does he always know?
The rest of the day goes on as normal, informing a few friends. Talking to my endocrinologist. Made an appointment with a surgeon. I'll know more then.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I made it through another week
Yeah for me! Three weeks in a row, one more to go. I'm coming down with something. So sucks for a mom to get sick. I'm just achy and tired, bone tired at that.
My husband came home last night. That is what I meant that I made it through one more week. It's so exhausting when he's gone. I put on my facebook page that I was glad he was home. I had so many people amazed with how much he is gone. Is this unusual? I still haven't found a good support group or blog to read. So maybe my husband gone is not quite as usual as I had thought it was. I think I'm doing fine. I'm exhausted, but hey I have three kids.
K, need to log off my computer and actually enjoy my weekend with the family.
My husband came home last night. That is what I meant that I made it through one more week. It's so exhausting when he's gone. I put on my facebook page that I was glad he was home. I had so many people amazed with how much he is gone. Is this unusual? I still haven't found a good support group or blog to read. So maybe my husband gone is not quite as usual as I had thought it was. I think I'm doing fine. I'm exhausted, but hey I have three kids.
K, need to log off my computer and actually enjoy my weekend with the family.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Husband gone...again
My husband left again this morning. Stupidly, I had caffeine at 6 pm last night and couldn't get to sleep. Even after a great send off to my husband. He left at 5 am and I couldn't get back to sleep. I'm tired!
Last night he was saying prayers and singing songs for the littlest one to go to sleep. He kept hugging hubby and not wanting to let go. He was extra clingy. I came in to do my part of the night ritual and saw tears in my husband's eyes. I'd never seen him affected by his traveling. I think this many weeks in a row is getting to him now. He is seeing how much the kids are changing while he is away. I try my hardest to not make him feel bad about being away. He is doing what he knows best to provide for his family. He is finally in a job that he loves. How many people can say that?
We won't know for a long time if we've made the right decisions for our family. It feels right, but there is definitely a sacrifice of time. He, or course, makes quite a bit more money with this job. Plus there are the benefit of airline miles, hotel points, etc. Our family time may not be able to be measured highly in quantity but we do strive for it to measure highly in quality. We'll be able to afford family vacations and special times for our children to remember.
When I saw my husband's tears, I also cried. He left the room and I followed and tried to comfort him. I hope he feels better today. My husband is, by far, the sweetest man I have ever met but I haven't seen him cry for so long. It just really got me.
Last night he was saying prayers and singing songs for the littlest one to go to sleep. He kept hugging hubby and not wanting to let go. He was extra clingy. I came in to do my part of the night ritual and saw tears in my husband's eyes. I'd never seen him affected by his traveling. I think this many weeks in a row is getting to him now. He is seeing how much the kids are changing while he is away. I try my hardest to not make him feel bad about being away. He is doing what he knows best to provide for his family. He is finally in a job that he loves. How many people can say that?
We won't know for a long time if we've made the right decisions for our family. It feels right, but there is definitely a sacrifice of time. He, or course, makes quite a bit more money with this job. Plus there are the benefit of airline miles, hotel points, etc. Our family time may not be able to be measured highly in quantity but we do strive for it to measure highly in quality. We'll be able to afford family vacations and special times for our children to remember.
When I saw my husband's tears, I also cried. He left the room and I followed and tried to comfort him. I hope he feels better today. My husband is, by far, the sweetest man I have ever met but I haven't seen him cry for so long. It just really got me.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Saturday
Ahhhh...hubby is home. I have a hard time sleeping the first night he is home. I woke at 5 am and tried to get back to sleep. Finally gave up and came downstairs and watched whatever was on the TIVO list.
Hubby needed a new pair of shoes and introduced him to DSW. He went up and down those aisles trying on shoes left and right. He needed plain black comfy shoes for work but kept looking at these funky (not so straight man) shoes. My husband is awesome. He's got a straight man's libido and a gay man's shopping ability. Now if I could just work on his decorating skills and get him to come with me for a facial and pedi, I'd have THE IDEAL HUSBAND! You know how people will joke that one guy is their husband and their gay friend is their gay husband? I'll have mine all in one!
DSW also served as a teaching lesson for my daughter. She has inherited my love for shoes and handbags (apologies to future son-in-law). She has not been able to figure our percentages at school. She found a pair of shoes in the clearance section. Each color of sticker symbolizes the amount of discount for that shoe. She found a silver pair she wanted and I told her she could have them if she figured out what $49.54 minus 70% was-she owns the shoes. She figured it out in like 2 minutes! She is only 10, so I'm a proud momma!
She asked me a couple of days ago if she could get her eyebrows waxed. She thinks her eyebrows are too bushy (they were fine). But remembering that age and my mom's resistance to me wanting those very same things, I said OK. I took her to a nice Aveda salon and had them done. Given my mom's rude comment on Thursday, I got my eyebrows and upper lip done as well. She barely flinched when she had it done. We walked out hand in hand with our matching red skinned eyebrows. My daughter is hands down one of the most beautiful girls you would ever see. Now, with the eyebrows done, it really shows off her gorgeous eyes. I'm in so much trouble some time (I hope not too soon!) in the future.
Hubby needed a new pair of shoes and introduced him to DSW. He went up and down those aisles trying on shoes left and right. He needed plain black comfy shoes for work but kept looking at these funky (not so straight man) shoes. My husband is awesome. He's got a straight man's libido and a gay man's shopping ability. Now if I could just work on his decorating skills and get him to come with me for a facial and pedi, I'd have THE IDEAL HUSBAND! You know how people will joke that one guy is their husband and their gay friend is their gay husband? I'll have mine all in one!
DSW also served as a teaching lesson for my daughter. She has inherited my love for shoes and handbags (apologies to future son-in-law). She has not been able to figure our percentages at school. She found a pair of shoes in the clearance section. Each color of sticker symbolizes the amount of discount for that shoe. She found a silver pair she wanted and I told her she could have them if she figured out what $49.54 minus 70% was-she owns the shoes. She figured it out in like 2 minutes! She is only 10, so I'm a proud momma!
She asked me a couple of days ago if she could get her eyebrows waxed. She thinks her eyebrows are too bushy (they were fine). But remembering that age and my mom's resistance to me wanting those very same things, I said OK. I took her to a nice Aveda salon and had them done. Given my mom's rude comment on Thursday, I got my eyebrows and upper lip done as well. She barely flinched when she had it done. We walked out hand in hand with our matching red skinned eyebrows. My daughter is hands down one of the most beautiful girls you would ever see. Now, with the eyebrows done, it really shows off her gorgeous eyes. I'm in so much trouble some time (I hope not too soon!) in the future.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday Spring Break
I was suppose to work today and didn't feel like it. I often do that, I'm suppose to work 10 hours a week. Most of the time I work about 3 or 4 but always put down 10 on my time card. I do feel a little guilty about it and every week I mean to actually work the 10-then it never happens. I've been on this cycle for awhile. If my boss is coming into town, I get my stores (I'm a merchandiser) looking perfect but that isn't often.
So I went to IKEA with my mom and the kids. Why do I do that to myself? She annoys me so, I keep thinking I'll do something and then it will be all better. Today she was out of breathe after leaving the store (sweating, breathing heavy, etc). I keep trying to get her to do something to get healthier but she just doesn't get it. On the way home she is sitting in the passenger seat and I'm driving. She announces to me that I need to wax my upper lip. I said, in absolute shock, "Oh my god, you are so rude". She never apologized whatsoever. Just kept saying "well, I never noticed it before." Like that's going to make it OK.
My girl is staying the night across the street with her friend. Her friend has been away on vacation and she is very excited to she her. My oldest is desperately trying to find someone to stay the night. I feel bad for him, most of his friends are out of town or have plans with other friends. I'm also a little worried. He's at a new school (moved up from grade school to middle school) this year but hasn't seem to have made new friends yet. I think it's great to keep the old but new ones are great too! I need to not worry about them. Alot of times I think that maybe it's my insecurities from my youth. You know, if someone is too desperate to be the cool kid and it makes them the most uncool kid?
Hubby is home tomorrow. We need to talk more when he is gone. I'm sure we'll figure out a rhythm to this traveling. Maybe I'll google some sort on online support group. Or I'll just keep blogging here, it's quite helpful!
So I went to IKEA with my mom and the kids. Why do I do that to myself? She annoys me so, I keep thinking I'll do something and then it will be all better. Today she was out of breathe after leaving the store (sweating, breathing heavy, etc). I keep trying to get her to do something to get healthier but she just doesn't get it. On the way home she is sitting in the passenger seat and I'm driving. She announces to me that I need to wax my upper lip. I said, in absolute shock, "Oh my god, you are so rude". She never apologized whatsoever. Just kept saying "well, I never noticed it before." Like that's going to make it OK.
My girl is staying the night across the street with her friend. Her friend has been away on vacation and she is very excited to she her. My oldest is desperately trying to find someone to stay the night. I feel bad for him, most of his friends are out of town or have plans with other friends. I'm also a little worried. He's at a new school (moved up from grade school to middle school) this year but hasn't seem to have made new friends yet. I think it's great to keep the old but new ones are great too! I need to not worry about them. Alot of times I think that maybe it's my insecurities from my youth. You know, if someone is too desperate to be the cool kid and it makes them the most uncool kid?
Hubby is home tomorrow. We need to talk more when he is gone. I'm sure we'll figure out a rhythm to this traveling. Maybe I'll google some sort on online support group. Or I'll just keep blogging here, it's quite helpful!
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